Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
