where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
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