you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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