so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
