tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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