If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
