in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
