I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
