I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
