I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
