We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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