My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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