My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
