life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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