Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
