I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
