So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
