Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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