If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
