i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
