He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
