I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
