There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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