I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
