you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
