I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
not ubering you a puppy
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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