I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
