If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
