I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
please come you make the beer taste better
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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