College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
