My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
