nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
