Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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