Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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