im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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