I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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