You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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