my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
