Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
