My sheets look like a crime scene.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
