here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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