Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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