you inspire me to be a worse person
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
