My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
