I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
