She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
