Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
