I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
All I want is dick and wine.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
