she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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