Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
